I called Tesia and after an endless number of rings, she answered the phone. I heard a feeble, "Hello?"
"Hey, I'm just calling to see when you'll be here."
There was a long pause and some rustling. "It's six o'clock."
Well of course it was six o'clock. My knee was shot, but my ability to tell time was still intact. "Yeah, I know, I just wanted to make sure you got here in time to take me home. Are you coming"?
"Cameron's still asleep, John. I need to let him sleep in. Yesterday was a rough day.”
Exactly whose day was rough? "Well, I'm sorry you had a rough day. I've been lounging around here chatting with the nurses and watching TV. Oh, yeah, that's right. They also cut me open and put screws in my knee cap. I knew there was something I forgot to tell you!"
"I'm sorry, John. I really am. That didn't come out right. I meant it was rough for all of us. I thought maybe we could sleep in a little."
“Sleep in? You want to sleep in? Tess, I tossed and turned all night and every time I moved, pain shot through my leg. God, what I wouldn’t give for one solid hour of sleep.”
Tesia said, "It's snowing out."
“Oh my God! It’s snowing out? What the hell?! How can you talk about the weather when I’m telling you how much pain I’m in? What does the weather have to do with me? We were talking about me, Tess.” I had no windows in my hospital room so the snow was news to me. I took a long slow breath and exhaled. "Well look, I don't have any control over the weather. Maybe you should come get me before the snow gets too deep. Why don't you come now? I'll give you my breakfast." I didn't have an appetite and the oatmeal looked like hell. "They're serving oatmeal,” I said, “you love oatmeal and they’re serving coffee with Hazelnut syrup – it’s delicious."
"John. I don't want hospital food for breakfast.” Tesia was starting to sound testy. “Don't worry, I'll be there in time to check you out of the hospital."
How would she know what hospital food tasted like? She never set foot in a hospital. Even when Cameron was born she avoided the hospital and opted for one of those dimly lit birthing rooms where sterile stainless steel is traded for gentle guidance and primordial pools of warm water.
"Fine. I get it. I really do. You just lie there in your comfy little bed while I lie here out of my mind with pain. You don't like hospitals. You’ve got an issue with hospitals and you can't get over it to be here by my side. That’s very mature, Tess, very mature of you." I really had to calm down. "OK. All you need to do is bring a little bag with brown sugar, cinnamon and raisins. You can sprinkle it on the oatmeal – just the way you like it."
"John. I will see you. It's too early. Call me when you think the're ready to let you go. I need to sleep. Please."
"I have to go. Coffee's getting cold. Bye" I hung up. Just when I needed a little support, my wife needed her beauty rest.
I buzzed the nurse.
The nurse popped her head in the room and asked what I wanted. I thought, it's not what I want, it's what I need. "I need some of that Hazelnut syrup."
"Excuse me?" She looked confused – probably just graduated from nursing school.
"Do you have any of that Hazelnut syrup for my coffee? I saw some at the coffee stand on my way in yesterday."
"Oh, that's not for us to use. You get whatever the cafeteria has." She was showing her bad attitude again. I could hear it in her voice. She always started out being nice and perky but our conversations seemed to quickly devolve.
"Oh… well...do you have any packets of hot chocolate?"
"No, we don’t."
I couldn't let her defeatist attitude get me down. "Well if you could find me a packet of hot cocoa somewhere, pour half the packet into my coffee, stir it really well and then microwave it for 40 seconds, I would be eternally grateful." I smiled my most charming smile.
The nurse cocked her head a bit and stared at me as if intrigued but then, unexpectedly, she came into my room and grabbed my coffee cup. This was remarkable since I had never seen more than her face up to this point. Stepping into the room must have been a commitment she had difficulty making. "No," I warned her, "don't bring it yet, I'll buzz you right before my wife comes. The ' mochalato' is for her. She likes it that way." The nurse wheeled around and left the room.
******
By the time I could smell lunch being handed out on trays, Tesia walked into my room. “Hey there, it's really snowing." She leaned over and kissed me."Our car doesn't handle very well in the snow. It took a long time to get here."
“You’re not kidding, it’s almost lunch time. You should have left earlier.”
Tesia studied me for a second then smiled and said, “Well, I’m here to take you home. Are you ready? Did they discharge you? C’mon, let’s go, let's go!” She clapped her hands like a coach rallying her soccer team.
She made her point but I didn’t have a good comeback. All I could offer up was my tired lament, “My knee hurts."
Tesia said, "I know, I know." She reached down and gave my neck a little rub.
"What does that mean? 'I know, I know'. If I can't complain to you who can I complain to?"
"Well, you already told me your knee hurts quite a few times. What I mean is I know and I sympathize."
"Sorry, I thought you were minimizing my pain. I hate it when people minimize my pain. My pain is about all I have right now."
Tesia leaned closer and said, "You have me, sweetie. I'm here."
"Yeah… where the hell were you? I was afraid you weren't coming."
Tesia sat down across the room and stared out the open door. Maybe she was hungry. "I'm sorry. I promised you breakfast and Hazelnut coffee but they took away my breakfast tray when I was in the bathroom."
I buzzed the nurse who eventually poked her head into my room. I winked and told her I was ready for the “coffee mochalato,” hoping she would remember our little deal. I don't think she remembered because she stared at me blankly and then disappeared. I felt embarrased. Where were my manners? I should have invited her in to my room to meet my wife. On the other hand, this nurse seemed to prefer written invitations well in advance of her visits. At least she respected my privacy.
Tesia sat there shaking her head. She looked unusually tired today - probably not taking her iron again.
"Don't worry about it. I already ate," she said.
Apparently my efforts to hunt, gather and provide had been in vain.
******
Tesia started to gather my belongings and pack them up for me. I enjoyed watching her go about her business since this was about the most interesting thing that had happened since I woke up. “Don’t put the CDs in there,” I said, “that’s the clothes bag. Put them in the blue bag – it’s down here. Hold on, did you alphabetize them or just stick them in the sleeves?” She had no idea how nice it was to finally have her by my side.
Tesia said, "I have to leave by two o'clock. The roads are getting worse and I have to get back home."
Now this was news. My wife, who vowed “in sickness and in health” to drive me home from the hospital was trying to bail out. “What do you mean you have to leave by two? You're here to take me home, right"?
I had to pee and this took precedence over speculating about slippery roads or wedding vows. The problem was that every time my left foot touched the floor, all the fluids in my body found their way down my left leg, caused all kinds of pain and for some odd reason immediately sent a pee signal to my brain. I hated pain so I avoided walking to the bathroom until the last possible minute which meant that my bladder was absolutely full when I finally gave in to the forces of nature.
So, here I was again with a bursting bladder as I was mentally preparing to lurch with crutches flailing toward the bathroom. I only had to travel ten feet or so but I had to accomplish this in 3.5 seconds or I’d end up with wet and warm sweat pants. I made the journey just in time and the relief almost outweighed the excruciating pain of standing upright.
While in the bathroom, I could hear a nurse come in and talk to Tesia. I could hear the word "discharge" and was encouraged. Finally, I was going home!
I opened the bathroom door and heard the nurse say, "Workers are starting to call asking our van service to come pick them up.You might want to leave before the roads get any worse."
"Excellent idea." I said as I exited the bathroom, "Let's go!"
Both the nurse and Tesia turned to me.
"John, it looks like they aren't going to discharge you today."
"Why not"?
"You have to see the physical therapist before they'll discharge you and you’re in no shape to see the physical therapist."
While I soaked this information in, the nurse and Tesia discussed the details. By the end of the conversation, the two of them had decided my fate – I would spend another night in the hospital.
Tesia stood up and grabbed her pocket book. "All right, I need to get out of here. Apparently the roads are bad and they’re getting worse. I'll be back tomorrow." She kissed me and was gone.
******
Exactly one hour later, the resident doctor came in to my room with my fugitive nurse in tow. He informed me that I was being discharged.
"My wife sat here for two hours waiting to drive me home and she left an hour ago."
The doctor asked, "Why did she leave?"
"Because we were told that I wouldn't be discharged today and that the snow storm was getting worse and she should go home. I don't have a ride and I'm not asking my wife to come back and get me."
The nurse added, in my defense, "I think he is in too much pain to go home right now."
The doctor looked at the nurse and asked her to step outside my room. It was like a bad movie. They both stood right outside my door within perfect 'earshot' and ‘privately’ discussed my case. The doctor said, "Look, I can't control the weather and he can manage his pain just as well at home as in the hospital. Insurance will only cover one night."
I had to agree with the doctor. He certainly couldn't control the weather and the hospital staff had proven without a doubt that just about anybody, including my five year old son, could manage my pain better than they could. The doctor and nurse walked back in. I expected some back-peddling from the doctor but instead he said, "You’re being discharged right now. You will need to arrange for transportation."
I was floored. "You mean to say that I’m in too much pain to get out of bed and see the physical therapist yet I'm fit to be discharged?"
The doctor appeared startled and looked at the nurse, "He hasn't seen the physical therapist yet?" Not only was he unable to control the weather, apparently he couldn't read a chart.
As the nurse subtly pointed to a particular section in the chart, she said, "No, he’s been in too much pain to go down to physical therapy. See." The doctor read the chart, shifted his weight and adjusted his glasses. For some odd reason, I felt good for the first time since my operation. I had never seen a doctor show discomfort.
The doctor studied his clipboard for a moment then said, “If you haven't been certified by the physical therapist that you are safe to go home, your insurance will pay for an additional night at the hospital. You’ll be discharged tomorrow. I'm sorry for the mixup." With that apology, he escaped.
The nurse lingered in my room for a moment trying to hide a funny little smile. This was new and certainly an opening I hadn't seen before. I took the opportunity to writhe a bit, moan a lot, and do some Lamaze breathing while stroking my knee. She came back in with two Percocets without my having to ask. A little bit later, I slipped off to sleep basking in the knowledge that my powers of persuasion were evolving.
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