6 - Paper for Pain

Ever since breaking my Patella, my life has been a series of replacements. When I think I have conquered or at least have come to terms with the obstacles that were handed to me, life trades them out for new and different obstacles. I have very little control over anything that happens to me yet I crave that control every minute of every day.

To begin with, life replaced my perfectly good left knee cap with two smaller and mostly dysfunctional knee caps. Although these two knee caps belonged to the same leg, it was as if they were both pulling away from each other and were trying to find their own place in the world. I knew they were seeking a place of comfort and security where insults could no longer inflict damage or pain. But, nothing I said or willed would bring them back together and I knew it was time to seek the help of a wiser being who could guide me in this journey and help me down the path toward healing.

The first old soul I consulted was an EMT who rode in the back of the ambulance with me. "I'm an 'EMT-Intermmediate/99'" he informed me once he strapped me down securely. This impressed me terribly since I knew intuitively that "intermmediate" was much bigger than "small" or "tiny" and the "99" part was very close to "100". I relaxed, breathed deeply and trusted myself to his care. His wisdom belied his tender years. He spoke to me in measured tones with cadences that brought new meaning to familiar words. “You’ll be OK. You’ll be OK. God knows it could be worse. You'll be OK.” Pretty soon I too was learning the chant that brought so much comfort to my soul. I began uttering the mantra from deep within and an other-wordly sound emanated from my lips, “God knows it could be worse. Ohhmygod!... God knows it could be worse. Ohhhmygod!” My body and soul were comforted and lifted up.

I realized I was being lifted up so that they could cut my pants off and examine the true nature of my injury. The mantra was replaced with “Oh my God, take a look at that!” This was not as comforting nor did it flow easily from the lips of the old soul in a young EMT’s body. But, being wise and having the experience of many previous lives, he followed up with, “Hey, no problem. That doesn’t look so bad. Really. They’ll fix you up in no time. You bet.” It sounded like the chants were over and I didn’t trust the new message.

To my surprise, I was offered a new mantra as I entered the emergency room, “Could I have your insurance card?” I stared at this woman who appeared above me from behind a pane of glass as if from another dimension. I was not quite oriented to the "here and now" since I had just reached “the inspired self” on my way to Nirvana and the Hospital. The good woman repeated her question, “Could I have your insurance card?” I intoned her chant, “Could I have your insurance card?” Her eyes opened wide and I stared into her soul.

I found this new chant less comforting or rhythmic, but it was entirely to the point and it gave me a needed focal point for meditating and blocking out the pain. I was working through the deeper meanings of this exchange when my wife gave the good woman her insurance card. “I need to see his card. Doesn’t he have one?” asked the woman. “Well,” answered my wife, “his is the same as mine except he has ‘0-2’ after his number and I have a ‘0-1’ after mine. I’m the primary insurance carrier.” The not-so-good-woman-after-all said, “I need his card – not yours.”

My wife looked down at me to get the insurance card out of my wallet and realized I was sitting in my wheelchair in my underwear. She wheeled around and ran outside to find the ambulance driver. He had bagged what remained of my pants and was about to turn them in to the hospital. My wife thanked the old soul and fished out my wallet and insurance card. I contemplated an entirely new chant, “Do you have your pants and your wallet and insurance card,” but it just didn’t work.

At the time, I had no idea that the insurance card exchange was signaling the imminent replacement of physical pain for the eternally painful world of paperwork.